Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

It’s only May 5 and all I can say is “Help!”

As April wrapped up, I smiled and exclaimed to the Universe: I survived your 5-planet retrograde-New Moon Eclipse-Full Moon celestial, swirling extravaganza (even with Mercury going retrograde right there at the end to ensure the swirling would sling shoot me straight into May). I proclaimed my readiness to begin May with a new attitude and a heart full of gratitude. My intentions were clear.

Why, then, on May 1 did I start this kick off into sunnier, warmer days filled with sunshine and promise stricken with a fever? Not just a little fever. No. It was 102.5. No other symptoms other than muscle aches and lower back pain. That’s it. Since I rarely run a fever, I thought, no big deal, I’ll take my time and Ride (I’ve been thinking too much/I’ve been thinking too much/I’ve been thinking too much, /I’ve been thinking too much/Help me) this out. How bad could it be? Oh, I'll tell you.

The nights were far worse than the days. The fever would all but abate during the day as my sister and I entertained each other. Although, I couldn’t tell you exactly what we did to pass the time the first two days. Blurry. At night, however, my inner and outer worlds completely altered. The fever would spike in the middle of the night. 103.3 followed by high-temperature, brain-boiling nightmares and disgusting night sweats. One night I was sure there were people watching me. I could see them seeing me. They were above me. I was above them. I kept asking myself, Has it always been this way?

The third night proved to be the worst of all. I was back at home willing the fever to go down to 100 so I could go to bed. It did at 11:30pm. At 1:30am intense pressure at my temples woke me from a sound sleep. I took my temperature. Twice. The first one couldn’t be right. 104.3. The pressure soon encompassed my forehead and I could see a white light in my right eye. I know that doesn’t make sense but it happened.

I googled: What should I do if I have a fever of 104.5? PS – I’m an adult.

Google: A fever of over 102 in an adult is dangerous. Seek medical attention.

I googled: What causes high fevers in adults?

Google: Reasons vary. There could be a very serious, acute underlying condition. Seek medical attention.

I googled: Is Tylenol better than Aleve for fever?

Google: It’s advisable to alternate between Tylenol and Aleve every three hours. Seek medical attention.

I googled: Should I really starve a fever? 

Google: No, the body needs additional caloric intake to increase immune system function. Seriously, you’re an adult? SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION!

I giggled, took two Aleve, drank a protein drink, set my timer for 40 minutes and vowed to God and Google that I would seek medical attention if the temperature did not decrease. As I dosed off and on, I created a plethora of scenarios. Would I go to the ER room alone? Would I call someone? What temperature causes brain damage? Why didn’t I ask Google?

Somehow, the 40 minutes passed, the alarm sounded and I woke up not knowing where I was. That’s right. Take your temperature. 103.7. Progress! Set the timer for 40 minutes. Fitful sleeping. Weird dreaming. Sweating. Freezing. Shaking. Ding! 102.3. More progress. This went on for some time until the sun finally came up. Took Tylenol and slept. Finally at 10:30am my temp was 100.5. Almost normal.

After a trip to Urgent Care with my sister, we found that I had an infection in my kidneys. Sure, that explains the lower back pain. Cipro, rest and Purple Rain.         Best medicine.

On May 5, I climbed out my stupor (or so I thought) and started returning phone calls, emails, PMs, texts and any other way people can find us these days. I had canceled days of work with clients, missed other appointments and remedied most of that mess.

My sister and I were in the process of special ordering a birthday gift for another sister and decisions had to be made. The artist texted and asked me for the birthday girl’s birth year (for numerology reasons). Well, I wasn’t going to do the math because you know the THREE things I hate most are MATH. IPhone calculator to the rescue.

I texted the artist.

Me: 1940 (although I really texted 1040 without realizing it)

Artist: (nothing)

Me: OMG! I noticed I texted 1040! It’s 1940 because she’s not a vampire!

Artist: HaHa! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Okay … She must be a vampire!

Me: I’m the worst texter!

Wait. That might not be right. Now I can’t remember how old she’s going to be. Let me check. I'll get back w/you asap.

Artist: ok

I sat on the porch for a minute. How old am I? How old is Kim? 10 years apart. Kay is 9 years apart. Kim and I always have the same second digit. So does mom, Kristopher, Travis, Allie, Luke and Braxtan. I’m off track. Where did 1940 come from? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m so confused. Kay is going to be 60. Right?

I called my mom. I felt my fever rising. I didn't even let her speak.

Me:  Hey, what year was Kay born?

Mom: Hi, Kam, well, let's see, Dad and I were married in 1954, Kim was born in 1955 and Kay was born in 1956 …

Me: 1956. Are you sure?

Mom:  Yes, of course, I’m sure …

Me:  1956. 1956. I’ll call you back.

I texted the artist.

Me: Listen, I‘ve had a very high fever for days. Not an excuse but her birth year is 1956. I can’t explain it. 1956. Wtf?

Artist: Lmao. You’re adorable. Okay, so she’s a 9. Just like me. Awesome!

Me: Yes. She’s a 9. Sorry for all that.

Artist: No prob. Have a great day!

Me: You, too. (scream emoticon)

Seriously, where did 1940 come from?

I took another look at the calculator. Here’s the math I did:  2000 – 60 = 1940

Now I’m basically in tears. Is it because the year is 2016? Is it because I didn’t actually need a calculator for that subtraction problem but I did it anyway? Is it because it didn’t dawn on me that there is no way my sister could have been born in 1940? Does it matter? I’m going to check my temperature. I’m certain I have brain damage.

Despite my shaky start, this much I know:

May will be an amazing month.

Kay will love her gift.

I still miss Prince.

April Fool's Fool

Happy April Fool’s Day!

As children this was among our favorite days. A day of playing pranks on each other.

“There’s a spider on your back!”

“What? Where?” (twisting and turning to look)

 “April Fools!”

My goodness we were clever.

This exercise in fool-tility (I think I just made up a word) was not without merit. At a young age, we were learning how to tap into the archetypal fool that is in each of us. An archetype is defined as “… an original pattern of which all other similar persons, objects, or concepts are derived, copied, modeled, or emulated. The psychologist, Carl Gustav Jung, used the concept of archetype in his theory of the human psyche. He believed that universal, mythic characters—archetypes—reside within the collective unconscious of people the world over. Archetypes represent fundamental human motifs of our experience as we evolved; consequentially, they evoke deep emotions.” –Soulcraft.com 

Jung went on to classify 12 major archetypes that symbolize our human motivations. As individuals we are inclined to adopt particular archetypes that resonate with our personal beliefs, patterns and habits. These archetypes are with us from birth paving the way to the person we will become and evolving with us as we mature. Each archetype has a healthy or positive side which mirrors the strengths of that archetype. An archetype also possesses an unhealthy or shadow side which plays out when we live in a perpetual state of fear. We may not be aware of our shadow side, and in this unaware state, we project negativity onto others. It becomes a defense mechanism.

Enter the Fool Archetype - the goal of the Fool is pure joy, pleasure and being alive.

I don’t believe I was born funny. I believe I chose to be funny and cultivated my sense of humor as a coping mechanism. I learned from a young age that people responded in a certain way if I could make them laugh. Sometimes I used humor to deflect the anger of a parent or other authority figure while other times I used humor to get attention. Either way, it served a purpose and if I could make people happy, then I was safe. Who doesn’t love an adorable, people-pleasing, joke-telling child? My claim to fame at that time: the knock-knock joke. I slayed.

As I reached my teenage years, I went through a wicked bout of depression. There were days I could barely get myself out of bed. Luckily, I was more extroverted than introverted and my desire to be in the world was stronger than my desire to stay in my room. But, I couldn’t exist as I was: sad, vulnerable and afraid, so I made a deliberate shift. I can almost pinpoint the day I decided to channel all that sadness and fear into being a smart ass.

Enter the Shadow Fool - the goal of the shadow fool is to hide the true self, use cleverness to get out of trouble and tell the truth without impunity (which really means to say what you want to say regardless of another person’s feelings).

Developing a cutting sense of humor was the perfect smokescreen. I created a persona that concealed my inner fears and melancholy while keeping most people laughing and virtually everyone else at arm’s length. I did in fact use humor to get out of trouble and I said things with the sole purpose of getting a get a rise out of others. I remember my favorite high school teacher telling me that I can dazzle ‘em with brilliance or baffle ‘em with bullshit. It was up to me. I chose the latter and my comedic armor was sarcasm. Again, I slayed.

Over time this persona became a caricature of my younger self. The little girl’s charms were long since discarded and replaced with abrasive defiance. Believe it or not, this, too, served me. As I made people laugh at the expense of myself and/or others, my armor became impenetrable giving me a false sense of safety. I used self-deprecating humor and stinging commentary to navigate my way through my 20s but became even more fearful and disconnected. Basically, I was held hostage by the very shadow fool I so carefully created.

Enter the Wise Fool - the goal of the wise fool is to live life fully in the moment, celebrate life for its own sake and find the humor in the seriousness of life.

In my 30s, I made a conscious decision to take responsibility for the insensitivity of my behavior. Reinventing myself as the wise fool, one who is witty but not caustic became my objective. It was a relief to allow a chink in my armor. Most gratifying was how differently others responded to me. It’s not that I lost my edge, because let’s be honest, that’s never going to happen. I merely learned to use my powers for good and to use humor in a healthy, positive manner.

Through the haze of Alzheimer’s, my dad saw the difference. By this time I was in my 40s. My parents were staying with me for an extended period of time so I could help care for my dad as he had for me years prior when I was gravely ill. One day, my dad and I were watching TV. He was sitting in his favorite chair and I was half asleep on the couch. Ellen DeGeneres was performing her monologue as my dad watched in silence. He smirked, turned to me and said, “Why don’t you have your own show? You could do what she does. You’re prettier and funnier than she is and you’re a blond.” I said, “Dad, I haven’t been a blond for over a decade.” His reply, “Dammit, Kammi, I just don’t see you as bald. I see you with hair. And, it doesn’t matter. You’re the funniest person I know.”

The point is that he saw me as he saw Ellen … the ultimate wise fool … hilarious without being mean spirited. Exactly what I had hoped to become. That’s the cosmic joke: I was this person all along but had buried my core essence so deeply I disconnected from myself. As I reconnected with who I was created to be, I connected with the wise fool. I used humor to help heal from illness (laughter being the best medicine), became more resilient and authentic, and in the process, developed a higher level of spiritually. Humor presented me with the of gift speaking my truth in an uplifting, compassionate way.

Of course, receiving that early validation from my dad was the greatest gift for this Fool.

10 Awesome Ways the (Wise) Fool Archetype Could Increase Your Success (from the Coaching Tools Company)

1      1.  Lighten up a Difficult Situation: Use the Fool's ability to see the humor in a situation to uncover the silver lining (and even the funny side) of a difficult or challenging situation in your life.

2      2. Get More Energy: Use the Fool's view that life is a game to allow expression of your playful side at work (or maybe at home!). When we have fun, life is easier and we move forwards with less effort.

3      3. Have More Fun: Use the Fool's zest for life and make decisions based on what gives you joy and pleasure (instead of doing the sensible thing). Do something unusual or exciting, just for the fun of it! You may find this leads to unexpected successes both in business and life.

4      4 .Get Creative! Use the Fool's inventiveness to come up with creative and unusual solutions to problems and obstacles.

5      5. Say What Needs to be Said: Use the Fool's lack of worry re: what other people think to say what needs to be said. Or simply share your wisdom in situations where you might usually 'hide your light under a bushel'.

6      6. Be in the moment: Use the Fool's ability to be present to enjoy life now, despite what else may be going on in the bigger picture of your life.

7      7. Stay committed: Use the Fool's trust in the process to worry less and stay committed to yourself during a difficult situation or challenging time of your life.

8      8. Kickstart the next stage of your life: Use the Fool's dancing mind and hunger for fun and adventure - to give you the push you need for the next step of your journey.

9      9, Get Back on the Horse: Use the Fool's resilience - to help you get back up after a difficulty, or after several difficulties. Keep going - and still embrace life, despite setbacks.

        10. Breakout! Challenge the rules and/or authority where they're getting in your way. Use the Fool's irreverence to challenge the rules, to do something new and inventive and break the barriers of what is normal and expected!

Total Eclipse of the Heart ... and Soul

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart. Nothing I can do. Total eclipse of the heart.  Who remembers Bonnie Tyler’s epic 1983 ballad ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’? Her huge hair. Her raspy voice. Her complete surrender.

For our viewing pleasure (in some parts of the world), the heavens will delight us with a total eclipse of the sun on March 8, 2016. It seems that a total eclipse of anything does not bode well for the thing being eclipsed. Blocked. Concealed. Mooned, as it were. Plus, you can go blind looking into the eyes of the eclipsed sun. I know because it almost happened to me.

On a clear, blue, crisp, winter day, our middle school science class was all a buzz about a solar eclipse. Our teacher, Mrs. Castle, did her best to educate us on the scientific significance of the eclipse and warn us of the dangers of looking at the sun. Something about burning out our retinas. I don’t know if that’s true. You know … science. She created a safe viewing mechanism and set it up in the library for students and faculty to witness the celestial marvel.   As I waited in line, I couldn’t wait to take my turn observing the moon as it cast its shadow on the sun, just knowing it was going to change my life. I stepped up to the viewer, looked into the heavens and, well, quite frankly, I was not impressed. To say it was anti-climactic after all the hype leading up to it is an understatement.

Disappointed and disillusioned, I went outside with my friends during our lunch hour. It was a beautiful, clear day in the UP. We kicked around the snow and talked about very important middle school girl things. When the bell rang, we headed back inside. At the very last minute, just like Lot’s wife fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah, I turned around and looked back. Into the sun. No one saw me do it so I didn’t tell anyone. Shaken, I went to my locker, retrieved my books and went to class.

In a very short time, the anxiety began to mount. I searched my brain. What did Mrs. Castle say about going blind if you looked at the eclipse? Oh, why don’t I ever pay attention in class? Will I go blind right away? Does it take hours? Days? Weeks? I guess I’ll still be able to play the piano. Just the songs I already know since I won’t be able to SEE the sheet music.

My head started hurting and my eyes started watering which made my sight blurry. The first sign of blindness? Then my stomach joined the party. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t take it so I told the teacher that I was sick, and she sent me to the office. As I sat in the stiff, plastic chair scared out of my wits, I wanted to grab the closest adult and yell, “I looked at the eclipse and I’m going to go blind! I didn’t. I waited.

The principal, Mr. Berg, walked by and saw that I was very upset. He asked me to step into his office. I followed him and sat down. He looked concerned and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was very sick. He wasn’t buying it. He actually knew me pretty well from a previous incident in which I was suspended for getting into a fight with a boy, but that’s a different story.

Mr. Berg gave me a sideways glance and said, “Tell me what’s really bothering you, Kammi.” Oh, my God, I spilled my guts. I told him the whole story and finished up by telling him with complete certainty that I would spend the rest of my life blind as a bat. I’m pretty sure he tried to conceal his amusement as he did his best to reassure me I would not go blind.  Since I only took a quick glance at it, he believed I would be ok. He advised me to tell my parents.

I did not get to go home early. He sent me back to class. Somehow I endured the rest of the afternoon, the bus ride and my walk home. As I made my way up the sidewalk to my house, I looked up at the sun shining in all its glory and I cursed it. I still wasn’t convinced I’d be ok despite Mr. Berg’s best efforts.

Well, I didn’t go blind, but I also never forgot this incident. 

 

Fast forward to the early 1990s.I was working in Detroit at Gale Research and, you guessed it, a solar eclipse. Armed with everything from homemade contraptions (like Mrs. Castle’s) to sophisticated telescopes, people convened at a viewing event in Hart Plaza. My friends and I planned to attend on our lunch break. Beforehand, I told them the sad tale of my middle school solar eclipse debacle. We decided this would be my day of redemption. I accompanied my friends to Hart Plaza with a strong sense of Sisu. Do. Not. Look. Into. The. Sun. I was up for the challenge. 

By time we arrived, the plaza was full of people jockeying for the best position. Again, it was a clear, lovely day. Using all of my adult resolve, I kept my gaze cast downward. Not this time. NOT THIS TIME. We used our make shift eclipse viewers and watched as the moon moved at a glacial pace between the earth and sun. Again, I was not impressed, so I watched the people watching the eclipse. An elderly man approached us saying he was from the Detroit News and asked what intrigued us about the eclipse. When it was my turn to answer, I told him I was here for redemption. Then I told HIM my middle school saga. We returned to work. I didn’t look into the sun. I didn’t go blind. 

The next day there we were, featured in the reporter’s article about the eclipse spectators at Hart Plaza. In one of the largest newspapers in Detroit, he told the Reader’s Digest version of my back story including my quest for redemption. I still have the article somewhere. It closed the book on my inner struggle with the solar eclipse. I was at peace.

 

photo: cosmic psychic

This brings us full circle to the solar eclipse on March 8, 2016. My view of the eclipse (pun intended) has significantly changed since my days as a writer at Gale Research. Chronic illness sidelined me shortly after my day of redemption in Detroit and my world was irrevocably altered. I view everything through a different lens since becoming ill. I see my world through the crystalline eyes of Spirit. In this way, I am able to witness how we are connected to each other and the world around us. This includes the cosmos.

 

"The March 8 solar eclipse shows you and your goals for the next six months. Chiron shows a wound in your mind, body or soul; an illness, disease or injury at the physical, psychological or spiritual level. It could be an existing wound from this life or a previous one, or it may come during the eclipse phase. With wounding comes healing, in some cultures there is only one word to describe both.

Jupiter shows how you need to take it easy. Saturn shows the struggle, pain and fear involved. Be patient, self-disciplined and take responsibility. Forgive yourself and others. Pluto shows your powerful will to succeed and gives recuperative and healing powers. The healing of your wound leads to a spiritual transformation and the evolution of your soul."  --Astrology King

 

With wounding comes healing. Isn’t that the best news ever? Love, Light, Forgiveness, Respect! Nothing I can do. Total eclipse of the heart.

 

Note: The total solar eclipse will be visible to people in South Asia, East Asia and Australia. Like so many events for us in the United States as of late, we will have to take it on faith that all is well and everything is happening just as it should be.

 

Leaping Into February

What a difference a month can make! Amirite?

January presented us with opportunities disguised as challenges to facilitate our ability to shed any unwanted energetic vestiges of 2015 and begin 2016 with renewed vigor and sense of purpose. Well, me being me, I went with the challenge of illness. I’m not saying I consciously chose to be ill, but truth be told, there is a part of my subconscious that still exists in the falsehood that I must suffer to learn. So I did. I suffered for nearly three weeks from a bring-you-to-your-knees viral/bacterial bug.

By way of this latest illness, I took the plunge and dove deeper into the abyss to cleanse the emotional residue that caused my skin to crawl. It wasn’t a pretty scene as I struggled with myself and a sinus infection. According to Louise Hays, author of You Can Heal Your Life, the underlying emotional issue contributing to the physical malady of a sinus infection is ‘irritation to one person, someone close.’ Why, yes, Louise, that seems to ring true. And, what do you have to say about the emotional implications of an ear infection? What’s that?  ‘Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Household arguing.’ Excuse me? Dare I ask about headaches?’ Invalidating the self. Self-criticism. Fear.’ Yikes.

Irritation. Turmoil. Invalidation. Fear.

I had my work cut out for me. And by work I mean self-care. Such a foreign concept and one I typically wouldn't subscribe to until circumstances demanded it. However, as I grow older and wiser, I’m learning to stop, drop and roll with it much sooner. I didn’t fight the need to rest. Rather, I leaned into it and leaned on the Earth Angels that came to my aid. I allowed myself to be cared for and they came with soup, banana bread, oils, tissues and ½ & ½ . They called and texted with messages of wellness, humor and love. By accepting help, I was freed up to deal with irritation, turmoil, invalidation and fear. I wrote, meditated, slept, prayed, listened to music, slept, watched movies and had vitamin IVs.

Now it’s February. All my favorite teachers tell us that February will give us a reprieve from the trials of January and the energetic yuck of 2015. February will provide us with an opportunity to lighten up and have some fun. I remember fun. And, it’s a leap year.

image via Telegraph.co.uk

In my leap year reading I pondered many things: the scientific explanation, the metaphysical interpretation, biblical theory, but what struck my fancy was this:

“Numerologist Christine DeLorey calls the leap year ’29’ a ‘numerological wobble in time’, the ripples of which create additional weekly insight starting in calendar week #9, which is the week in which February 29th falls.”

The article continued, “That moment out of time when you are in the potential of what could be. Kind of like the void, the emptiness that is present before something is full.” -Numerology 4 Your Soul

Shazam! "That moment out of time when you are in the potential of what could be."

Consider your potential. Consider the potential of those closest to you. Consider the potential of our nation to choose the best possible leader for the US. Consider the potential of the world to awaken to the knowledge that we are all One. 

We all have the potential to be potent. With great power comes great responsibility as they say. I say we go for it. We just do it. We just paint (that one's mine and a story for another day).