Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

It’s only May 5 and all I can say is “Help!”

As April wrapped up, I smiled and exclaimed to the Universe: I survived your 5-planet retrograde-New Moon Eclipse-Full Moon celestial, swirling extravaganza (even with Mercury going retrograde right there at the end to ensure the swirling would sling shoot me straight into May). I proclaimed my readiness to begin May with a new attitude and a heart full of gratitude. My intentions were clear.

Why, then, on May 1 did I start this kick off into sunnier, warmer days filled with sunshine and promise stricken with a fever? Not just a little fever. No. It was 102.5. No other symptoms other than muscle aches and lower back pain. That’s it. Since I rarely run a fever, I thought, no big deal, I’ll take my time and Ride (I’ve been thinking too much/I’ve been thinking too much/I’ve been thinking too much, /I’ve been thinking too much/Help me) this out. How bad could it be? Oh, I'll tell you.

The nights were far worse than the days. The fever would all but abate during the day as my sister and I entertained each other. Although, I couldn’t tell you exactly what we did to pass the time the first two days. Blurry. At night, however, my inner and outer worlds completely altered. The fever would spike in the middle of the night. 103.3 followed by high-temperature, brain-boiling nightmares and disgusting night sweats. One night I was sure there were people watching me. I could see them seeing me. They were above me. I was above them. I kept asking myself, Has it always been this way?

The third night proved to be the worst of all. I was back at home willing the fever to go down to 100 so I could go to bed. It did at 11:30pm. At 1:30am intense pressure at my temples woke me from a sound sleep. I took my temperature. Twice. The first one couldn’t be right. 104.3. The pressure soon encompassed my forehead and I could see a white light in my right eye. I know that doesn’t make sense but it happened.

I googled: What should I do if I have a fever of 104.5? PS – I’m an adult.

Google: A fever of over 102 in an adult is dangerous. Seek medical attention.

I googled: What causes high fevers in adults?

Google: Reasons vary. There could be a very serious, acute underlying condition. Seek medical attention.

I googled: Is Tylenol better than Aleve for fever?

Google: It’s advisable to alternate between Tylenol and Aleve every three hours. Seek medical attention.

I googled: Should I really starve a fever? 

Google: No, the body needs additional caloric intake to increase immune system function. Seriously, you’re an adult? SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION!

I giggled, took two Aleve, drank a protein drink, set my timer for 40 minutes and vowed to God and Google that I would seek medical attention if the temperature did not decrease. As I dosed off and on, I created a plethora of scenarios. Would I go to the ER room alone? Would I call someone? What temperature causes brain damage? Why didn’t I ask Google?

Somehow, the 40 minutes passed, the alarm sounded and I woke up not knowing where I was. That’s right. Take your temperature. 103.7. Progress! Set the timer for 40 minutes. Fitful sleeping. Weird dreaming. Sweating. Freezing. Shaking. Ding! 102.3. More progress. This went on for some time until the sun finally came up. Took Tylenol and slept. Finally at 10:30am my temp was 100.5. Almost normal.

After a trip to Urgent Care with my sister, we found that I had an infection in my kidneys. Sure, that explains the lower back pain. Cipro, rest and Purple Rain.         Best medicine.

On May 5, I climbed out my stupor (or so I thought) and started returning phone calls, emails, PMs, texts and any other way people can find us these days. I had canceled days of work with clients, missed other appointments and remedied most of that mess.

My sister and I were in the process of special ordering a birthday gift for another sister and decisions had to be made. The artist texted and asked me for the birthday girl’s birth year (for numerology reasons). Well, I wasn’t going to do the math because you know the THREE things I hate most are MATH. IPhone calculator to the rescue.

I texted the artist.

Me: 1940 (although I really texted 1040 without realizing it)

Artist: (nothing)

Me: OMG! I noticed I texted 1040! It’s 1940 because she’s not a vampire!

Artist: HaHa! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Okay … She must be a vampire!

Me: I’m the worst texter!

Wait. That might not be right. Now I can’t remember how old she’s going to be. Let me check. I'll get back w/you asap.

Artist: ok

I sat on the porch for a minute. How old am I? How old is Kim? 10 years apart. Kay is 9 years apart. Kim and I always have the same second digit. So does mom, Kristopher, Travis, Allie, Luke and Braxtan. I’m off track. Where did 1940 come from? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m so confused. Kay is going to be 60. Right?

I called my mom. I felt my fever rising. I didn't even let her speak.

Me:  Hey, what year was Kay born?

Mom: Hi, Kam, well, let's see, Dad and I were married in 1954, Kim was born in 1955 and Kay was born in 1956 …

Me: 1956. Are you sure?

Mom:  Yes, of course, I’m sure …

Me:  1956. 1956. I’ll call you back.

I texted the artist.

Me: Listen, I‘ve had a very high fever for days. Not an excuse but her birth year is 1956. I can’t explain it. 1956. Wtf?

Artist: Lmao. You’re adorable. Okay, so she’s a 9. Just like me. Awesome!

Me: Yes. She’s a 9. Sorry for all that.

Artist: No prob. Have a great day!

Me: You, too. (scream emoticon)

Seriously, where did 1940 come from?

I took another look at the calculator. Here’s the math I did:  2000 – 60 = 1940

Now I’m basically in tears. Is it because the year is 2016? Is it because I didn’t actually need a calculator for that subtraction problem but I did it anyway? Is it because it didn’t dawn on me that there is no way my sister could have been born in 1940? Does it matter? I’m going to check my temperature. I’m certain I have brain damage.

Despite my shaky start, this much I know:

May will be an amazing month.

Kay will love her gift.

I still miss Prince.